2019

I heard in a song recently
"You don't deserve what you don't respect
Don't deserve what you say you love and then neglect"

So
I was thinking

I felt so disconnected all my life and last year was different
I felt loved, I felt normal, I felt like I can belong in places
But listening to this song, I remembered: not all my lovers respeted me
you for sure didn't
and all those insecurities hit me like no other
again and again
that year was a blessing and a curse

and I am under water
full of selfharm and hate
I hurt myself in a lot of ways
nobody can see
I look at my hands
my nose, teeth
I'm disconnected
I may never love or let anyone
touch me ever again

Because you touched me to poison me
and let my body to rotten
and now you're happy with her
until you find another naive girl
to spit in my garden
I feel sorry for your manipulated lovers

I don't deserve to suffer
even if I am a freak, too small
too attached, too intense
I just hope in five years this poem
doesn't remind me of that event